Quite unplanned, inspired by a quick documentary on Michael Jackson yesterday, Little B chose “This is it” for her turn at movie night. She is loving the songs and dances and has a bunch of them down pat – face expressions and all.
On the other hand, I am no Jackson fan. I like his music and appreciate his performances, but would not call myself a fan. Still, I was curious to see what he had planned for the concert that never was.

I, like many others, found him quite odd. And in the later years, freaky. I admit that I have felt pity on him, as I cannot imagine someone happy and comfortable in their skin defacing themselves like that. I will not comment on the usual controversy around him, as I have never been privy to his life  or am interested in discussing something I have no knowledge about. I will only say that after seeing his announcement about the upcoming concert I mentally made a judgment that it was not a good idea and he will probably flop.

The documentary is done well and goes through most of the songs’ rehearsals in different stages of development. Some had no footage as they didnt get to them. The scale of the production was impossible not to impress – all the people, all the hopes and dreams, the technology, the know how, the creativity, the hard work. All of it revolving around one person, Jackson.  As much as I dont consider myself a fan, every time I actually watch him I am sold. I feel his talent tangible in my hands and become fully involved in his performance. My body tingles with the lost urge to move and create beauty with form and motion.  Creative ability truly inspires me, be it the work and design philosophies of Kenji Ekuan or the subtle moves of rehearsing aging pop idol. It leaves me lighter on my feet and with a feel of the world around me that is raised above the tunnel vision of the gray daily unimportant  details.

So I wanted to apologize to Michael for jumping to a verdict about his work. He would have pulled this off and there is not a question in my mind. Once he is on stage the nose is gone, the funny giggle is lost, the dimple on his chin is not an issue and his long thin legs do their thing and all that is felt is talent – thick, fill your gut and senses talent.

I am going to bed inspired and with a tune in my head…If they say – Why, why, tell ‘em that is human nature…Why, why, does he do me that way…

Reading the paper the other day, I was reminded of how fucked up the image of a woman is in our society. The story is about a new plastic sek5 ¹ doll. Its in the World section of the paper and amongst stories about Israel, migrant riots in Italy and prisoner abuse in Iran.

What is it, this new invention?

She is a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. We are trying to replicate the personality of a person

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What personality are we talking about? Something interesting, I am sure. Some wonderful conversations, late in the night. Right?

cannot walk and its reactions are built into “the three inputs”

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But here is the jest of it, here  is what distinguishes this lump of open inputs plastic from a real woman:

She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook but she can do almost anything else, if you know what I mean

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So there you have it, my lovely sisters.  I hope your vacuuming and cooking is bloody good, because for the starting price of $US7,000 you can be replaced without anyone noticing.

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The other day I took the children to the river for some play around and to catch up with friends. On the way back we planned to visit a favorite cafe of ours and eat the yummo veggie balls they make for lunch.

It was hot, the place doesnt have air conditioning, only a few fans on the ceiling. We huff and puff into the place and I go to make our order. Then plop myself down and hope the lack of movement will cause some cooling of the systems.

- Mom, can I take off my top? – Miss Fab asked matter of factly.

My initial urge was to say no. We are at a public place and we wear clothes here. Its the respectable thing to do.

Its a stupid instinct, this molded by society one that puts other’s needs ahead of your feelings and comfort for things that are not important. So, I was going to make my child stew in a shirt, just because I didnt want to make the other people in the place uncomfortable in some way? Or because I didnt want to be judged as an irresponsible mother for not teaching my children proper manners? Or because I didnt want to be uncomfortable under the supposed glances of some strangers? Was really some unknown person’s opinion of me or my children or their comfort more important than that of one of the  people I love most on this Earth?

How often do we negate our children’s needs for those of people we dont know and will never see again in our lives? Or for our own selfish unreasonable feelings?

- Sure! You can also pour some water on it and put it on your neck.

Then Little B followed and I ate my lunch with two topless girls with wet t-shirts on their neck  and the world didnt end and the people around me didnt faint.

The kids have these stainless steel bottles that they use for water in the house. Since they are without any decorations we end up drawing stuff on them from time to time with a permanent marker. Which turns out to not be that permanent, because it rubs off in time. But that is not a bad thing really, as it means diversity of art and opportunity to try new things every time.

The kids started with simple names or letters. Then it grew to drawings. Then we the grown ups started being asked to contribute creative input. It was mostly Mr.Blab’s market. He is the water guy around here. He monitors the water supply in the house and makes sure we have a steady flow of cold water and ice. That entails careful planning and prompt refilling of any empty glass bottles and putting them straight into the shelf of the fridge door – in order – from left to right, right being the coldest. He also keeps a hawk eye on the ice bucket in the freezer. He is able to HEAR the level of the bucket by the sounds we make while getting ice from it! Impressive. Lets just say his job is hard during the summer months, we drink a LOT of water and we are never out. Props.

So, he also usually fills the girls bottles and had taken over the orders for art on the before mentioned water vessels.

But then one day I was asked to do something on the newly cleanly rubbed off metal canvas.  And then again.

This day Little B had her bottle adorned with daddy’s creations. Miss Fab asked me a little bit later.

Mr.Blab saw his business slip right in front of his eyes like the reel of an old movie. There was a bit of moaning, I am sure.

But wait, that is not the end of the story. Even though we could clearly see where the girls get that specific gene from, Little B looked at daddy and said:

- I love yours, daddy! You can do mine any time.

That kind heart they get from him.

On the eve of the new year I have been thinking. Maybe I should have one of those resolutions people make. I have never really done that before. Not because I have something against them, just seemed a bit of a waste of time. They are good because it gives you a chance to start up fresh and ‘new’, but on the other hand if it doesnt quite work out, then its too easy to consider the whole year gone and ruined and not do anything else for the rest of it. Its tarnished with the failure of the last year’s resolutions. And lets face it, the vast majority of them will be such. The first slip and There! its not working.  Seeking perfection pretty much assures us disappointment.

But its good to have some ideas for a way things can improve, best if its without too much pressure on our already fragile state of happiness and satisfaction of the self.  So here are mine:

Win the bloody Lotto
Its about time, I say. I have been scolding Mr.Blab for being a slack aaarse about it and its not getting through to him. I keep on telling him he needs to just jot down the right numbers, but he things I am joking and kind of gives me a nervous smirk. I just want us to be financially independent. I want us to be able to travel half the year and then spend the rest in our big land somewhere. I dont want fancy cars, I will travel economy even.

Be self sufficient
Grow our own food, make our own electricity, collect our own water. I can almost feel the satisfaction of such a set up.

Be healthy
Dont be fooled by the sequence of this. This is actually the most important bit and always has been. Cause if we are not healthy nothing else matters.

Have similarly fortunate group of friends
We would need a small, but quality bunch of healthy, self sufficient, financially capable people to share the joys of our fortunes with. Cause its always more fun with some like minded friends around.

And thats it. Just a few simple demands ideas.

Nothing much to it.

See you in the New Year and thank you for sticking around. Hugs!

Yes. Yesterday I went to upload the latest batch of photos and it, in not so many words, informed me that my obsession with taking pictures has caused it great pain and it refuses to accept any more. Period.

In less than 2 years I have managed to fill its mega gigabyte belly full of the memories of my life. My portable hard drive is buckling too, so I need reinforcements before something explodes on me. And no, I am not exaggerating at all.

I remembered this picture I took a few days ago and thought I will use it instead.

The last three weeks or so have been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. I know horrible things happen around the world. I know suffering and pain is part of the lives of many around the world. I know that. But when you have connection to it in any way or form it suddenly becomes real, tangible and hard to process. Distance is what makes most of inequality and unfairness possible. If each of us had to actively ignore and walk past a starving, swollen bellied infant to buy the next useless, but highly desirable object, we wont be able to do it. Yes, should I give these 20 dollars to the mom of the child to feed it, or should I purchase this thing that will end up in the bottom of a drawer full of crap I have been trying to sort through for months? And yet, that is what we do daily. We live in our lovely worlds, buying all this stuff that we dont really need, the syndrome of I Have Nothing To Wear with a wardrobe full of clothes, while people are starving and dying. The only thing that makes it possible is distance.

So I have had this distance cut on me and ended up in the middle of a heap of quite unbelievable practices and beliefs that have left me horrified and…sad. Maybe even a little bit lost. Mr.Blab and I have done our best to make a life for our family that is worth living. Life that makes us happy and content. At the same time there is so much suffering, injustices and unimaginable pain out there in the big blue world. One can easily go and spend their life trying to do something about it or one can just ignore it and pretend its not happening. And then there is the middle ground, or some kind of balance between the two extremes.

Its just one of the decisions we have to make daily. And there are many, many more that shape our experiences and eventually our life.

That brings me to the theme of a proposed guest bloggers submissions:

Dont be fooled by my serious intro, its just what brought me to this line of thinking. I am not looking for some grand idea or anything in particular really. This is not about the meaning of life. That always seems so scary and impossible to answer. I am interested in your own unique view on how you see this question, based on your experiences so far and on your own perspective. Maybe you never thought about it? Maybe you dont want to? Maybe you have a whole book written on the subject? All of those are welcomed.

So if you want to share, drop me a message with your name and link if you have one.  I will make a post of all the takes on the question later.

Cheers!

25th of November

I cant start this post with Happy International Day for Elimination of Violence against Women! It is a sad enough fact that this day needs to exist as a testament to the suffering of millions of women around the world. Its even more chilling to know that nowhere, nowhere in the world have women achieved real equality with men and freedom from targeted violence against them just because they are – women.

Birth

A purely female domain and capability in life. And even though man has done a good job of taking control over that function of the woman as well, for those of us in developed countries there is a way to escape, to pull out of the status quo to deny the doctrine sold on us from infancy or specifically:  “the female body is defective, its dangerous and she needs to be saved from her own short comings by relinquishing her body to the system”.

What do the two have in common?

A lot. But I will not go into that right now.

I wanted to draw your attention to a movement in Bulgaria of women who are trying to have their rights as patients and human beings respected in hospitals of the country. They are subjected to unbelievably inhumane treatment by medical staff and have been for years. They are psychologically and physically violated in droves. They are talked to with disrespect (“You didnt scream when you were making the baby, didya?!”, “Shut up, we dont want to hear you!”, “We have no time for you and your stupidity” etc.).  Their dignity is stomped (they are given no privacy for vaginal exams and procedures, their shyness is laughed at, their life choices a good subject for the next joke). They are physically violated (slapped, handled, jumped on their stomachs against their will, strapped, sedated at the will of the staff). Their basic rights are ignored (rights to information, refusal of medical procedures, being spared from pain as much as possible). And this is just the shortlist.

And all of this is accepted as normal and just what a woman has to go to get a baby in the end. So they grind their teeth, close their eyes, endure the horror, and thank the doctors in the end for saving their lives.

But not all women accept that this. There are some that see it for what it is – an unacceptable horrific practice that should be stopped.

And so they rose and wanted their voices heard. And today they are having a protest in front of one of the hospitals to say:

NO to the violence against birthing women!

And you can give them a supporting arm, wherever you are  http://nenanasilieto.wordpress.com/violencebirhwomen/ as I hope WE know that all of this is not right. Should not be right. Should have never be seen as right no matter in which corner of the world we are.

And one day 25th of November will be the day that used to be The International Day for Elimination of Violence against Women.

And violence will be history.

One needs to be able to dream.

I was totally going to post this happy full of pictures entry with bath tub endeavors of the kids, until…Until I stumbled upon this video.

I think its important to be seen by any parent who is considering this completely barbaric procedure. If you dont agree with the adjective, think its a bit over the top, do watch this. I dare you to watch it with the sound on. I couldnt. I tried, but I couldnt, it made me want to cry.

After the jump…

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I wasnt going to post anything, but I am sitting here, alone, while everyone is asleep and have all these feelings I cannot seem to shake off.

Little B split her lip quite nicely today. All fun and games, spending the day out in the park. The day was perfect… then we headed off to swimming, in a bit of a rush, as we left a bit too late from the park. Get ready, put goggles on, hat. Wiggling. Need to pee. Rush to the bathroom with a little one grabbing at me and jumping in the sling unlike himself. Rush back out. Get her in class. The big one off to swim herself and a moment of peace. Nurse the Prince, who still seems unsettled. I realize I left the nappy in the car. Crap. I will check anyway. Poo. Look around, think. Grabbed the cotton pants near by and stuffed them in his cover instead. The dirty nappy went into an unused swimming cap. Yeah, fancy stuff.

Settle for some kiwi sharing with the now more relaxed little man and watch the girls.

What…why is she holding her mouth…rush over. Grab. Heart pounding. She is crying quietly. Blood. Shit! Shit! Shit! Frantic looking around I see the clean towel in our bag and grab it and press it on her lip, where I see the blood gushing. Press. Talk quietly “Its OK. Its OK. Its all right”. My heart is going to pump out of my chest. Shit! Now I have three kids, one bleeding, one holding on to me absolutely quiet and another one hovering trying to see and do something. I look quickly around…at the swimming teacher – she doesnt seem to be wanting to offer any help… I see my sling all sprawled on the floor, from the water to my seat, wet. No. I wont be getting any help from the people around me. I keep on talking softly and checking on the lip. Little B is still crying, trying to answer my questions in an attempt of evaluating the situation. I send Ms Fab to get some ice pack from the life guards. The blood is slowing and I have a good look at the damage. Pretty good, but not a gaping hole to her cavity or anything.  The “ice pack” constituted of ice stuffed in a rubber glove with tissue on top. I need to get out of there. The blood is stopped and I pack everything up, God forbid anyone help, and headed home.

We got her checked at a medical centre near by to make sure she didnt need stitches and had dinner, as much as we could really. We were all pretty shaken.

Then we noticed her upper lip is swallen. I had a look while putting the steri strips before bed and she has a hematoma up there. She must have hit on the edge of the pool with her lower lip, but the blow was actually to the inside of the upper lip and gum tissue. Thankfully no teeth are loose or anything, but the bruising is scary.

And everyone is in bed and my emotions just got all out of control. Something wrong with your kids is like nothing else. Nothing.

I just feel like crying typing this and thinking it over. I dont know why, or where are all these emotions coming from. I feel really shaken up and exhausted. I have anger at people’s lack of interest in kindness and in offering some assistance. I feel weak in not being able to make it all better. My heart is aching that my baby is hurt and still trying to be brave. I feel horrid, mortifying powerlessness  against the powers of one second to be able to change our life forever.  And I feel comfort that we have taken steps to spend our times with each other, not in pursuit of meaningless rewards for the unknown future.

Because tomorrow all could be gone. We only have  now.

And its that simple.

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I am alive!

I know I have pretty much confirmed my status as the title of the previous post, but you would not believe what a big tiger moved in the house and crushed the roof, and then a whale escaped from the river nearby (dont ask) and moved into our garage…until the elephant from the zoo came by, quite angry I may add, and just flattened the place down. So, it has been quite a week, give me a break.

Ok, maybe it didnt go quite like that, but it sure felt like it. I have been meaning to put the birth video into some kind of a digital format since, well, the birth, over a year ago. The camera is supposed to be able to connect to the computer and all, but I cannot find a cable to get it done, so I have just given up on it. So! I decide to play it on the TV and take it with the video setting on my old digital camera. Perfect. I do it, it works great, look ok enough. But the bloody format is not that good. I cannot work with it and no free decoder could be found anywhere.

Fine, I will use the built in camera of my laptop. Great, but this thing has no zoom whatsoever, so I had to sit right infront of the TV and hold the laptop up high and try not to move too much. Few tries and finally I have had enough and decide to work with whatever I have. Then more format issues…solved. Then some persistent horrid noise, which was coming from the camera itself. Not solved. Then some advertising logo popping from the camera on MY video. What the?! I HATE CREATIVE. There, now I feel better.

Then figuring out the program and what I wanted to do with the now pretty crappy video. Then trying to figure out how to put it on the blog without uploading it on some other server with some other people. Then installing the plug in and working that out. Then, trying to handle flv files and quality issues….then…then…

And that is how a bunch of nights fly away.

Now, you may think this means that the video is now the bestest thing you will ever see. That would be a mistake. Here, effort doesnt equal quality. Just a result. If I was aiming for quality, it would have taken me a month. Plus, I had to deal with Mr.Blab’s out of focus footage. Sheesh

Missed ya!